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Posts Tagged ‘hillbilly’

Not like screaming at me about not being able to stand too close to anything in the room that may have a penis; but something would be nice.

Yes, I am very happy that you are secure enough in our relationship that you already know that you don’t have to worry about me cheating. But come on!

I know that my husband isn’t going to cheat on me. However that does not automatically mean that I’m not going to question certain things. Like when some woman he went to high school with feels that the first thing she needs to tell him when she finds him on Facebook (and she hasn’t spoken to him in a dozen years) is that she’s getting a divorce. Um, excuse me, but why does MY husband need to know that you’re now available?

But if that happens with me I get nothing. Like he’s saying “well I have nothing to worry about because no one’s gonna hit on Slagathor over there.”
I mean throw me a bone! At least ask a couple of questions about the motives of the conversation. Something that says you have at least a little problem with someone who might be getting too familiar with me.

But I get: It’s a compliment when some random stranger ogles your bosom for half an hour in the grocery store. (Well I have a problem with it and you know I have a problem with it so would you at least give him a dirty look or something.)

or

I don’t have a problem with that guy you knew in middle school telling you that he just got a divorce and that he’s going to be up this way soon and would like to see you again. (Really? You don’t have a problem with that? Are you that blind?)

and especially

I know I’m better than them so why should I worry?

Well I know I’m better than every bleach-haired, toothless, slag you ever dated too! But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be silently accepting of some chick you haven’t talked to in years dumping all her relationship problems on you. When girls do that with each other they are looking for advice. When they do that with other men, they are trolling for dong.

I think that the problem is that my husband is also hopelessly OBLIVIOUS to these subtle cues. Not like oblivious so that he can deny it later, but really and truly completely blind to even the most basic “you can stick that right here” cues.
He really does think that the girl is telling him this stuff because he is a good listener. Um, no. I’ve known you for years and the last thing I would say about you is that you are a good listener. It takes me twenty minutes to get your attention on a good day and god forbid it’s football season! And everyone who knew you back then says that they are surprised that I can get you to listen now. So no. Just no.

He gets the occasional: Why does she think you need to know that?

I get: _____________

That’s right I get NOTHING! So until something finally happens to make my husband at least a little territorial Slagathor will be in the corner drinking tequila and wishing for an iota of personal validation.

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I have three kids, twins who are boy and girl 13 year olds, and a 4 year old. As soon as I had my kids there was apparently a big neon sign stamped on my head that says it’s ok to ask me personal/stupid/annoying questions and give me completely unsolicited advice on everything my kids do.

For example, when I say that I have twins the first question out of most people’s mouths is did you have them naturally or by C-section? The answer is yes, they came out of my vagina. And thank you for concerning yourself with my holiest of holy you person whom I’ve just met. My vag also thanks you for the unwanted attention and sympathy. That question is always second only to “how did/how long did you breast feed?” Wonderful you’ve asked me about my most private areas and I don’t even know your name.

When I was pregnant with my youngest people asked me what we planned to name her. Then they would tell me exactly why that was a horrible name. One fat old trailer dweller told me that I shouldn’t give her that name because it’s too long. What? Just because you named your son Tom because it’s the only one you could spell doesn’t mean that I have to shorten my kids name so that your head won’t explode when you think of it.

So I have both teens and toddler, the most advice riddled ages there are. I get advice everywhere I go. Especially the grocery store. You shouldn’t let your child eat that. You shouldn’t let her stand in the cart. You let your daughter dress like that? You let your kids say that?

First off, it’s fruit, ok. Fruit! And yes my kids eat a lot of it. And yes, sometimes I buy it in those little containers with the high fructose corn syrup in them. When your giant sloth sheds about half a person because you’re letting them gorge on a huge bag of fat free chips in one sitting then you can talk to me about my kids’ diet. Until then you may want to tell junior to take the wrapper off before he starts shoveling in the fat free ho-ho’s. I would really like to know why someone taking up more than half the snack food isle feels the need to tell me and my no-so-big kids how to eat.

Stand in the cart? Lady maybe you didn’t notice but she has her arms around my neck because I’m taking her out/putting her in the cart. As for her standing in the cart in the cereal isle, notice that I’m also holding said cart and that she has two teen spotters on each side of her while she politely picks out her own cereal box. Notice also that she’s not raking the boxes off the shelves like your little monster is doing, nor is she throwing a tantrum because I won’t let her have a super-size box of chocolate coated sugar.

And yes, I not only allow but I personally buy every pair of neon green and orange argyle knee socks in my daughter’s wardrobe. Notice how she’s chosen to pair them with the knee length denim shorts and basic tee-shirt that says “sanity is over-rated”. Not only did I let her marker her white tennis shoes in varying colors, but I helped her chose the pattern.

Oh, and when you say this to me and she replies “At least I don’t look like your little skank.” as she points to your teen who’s wearing the latest in Paris Hilton tramp wear, you know: heels, tiny shorts, push-up bra and and low cut tank top. Or better, the little cotton ass showing shorts that say something classy like “jail-bait” on the back. Yes, yes I do let her say things like that, because when she says it it’s not illegal.

And people wonder why most of my tee-shirts say mean things on them.

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In my previous post I mentioned my guilty pleasure…and if you look closely you’ll see more than one in that post. I did not, however, mention the more common following:

Chocolate

Red Wine

Cheesecake

Chocolate

Tequila

Guinness

Hot Wings

Chocolate

Cheesecake

Chocolate Cheesecake

Why did I not mention those things? Because I am not the least bit guilty about these things.

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